Solitude

I enjoy my own company. A lot. Sometimes more than being with other people. And it happens that people comment on it, and I never quite know how to respond to that. I think sometimes it bothers others, more than it affects me. And sometimes it makes me think, and write.

What is the meaning of life? Am I wasting it, doing things on my own? Does it only count if you're doing something that others knows about, that others can see, evaluate and comment on? If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is there to hear it - did it still happen?

What if the reason for living is to experience others, to create some kind of community or a feeling of belonging - always together with others. Then I guess I need to hurry up, I am probably far behind with the social thermometer. But then, what if there is no meaning to it all. What if it just ends, we just die, and there's nothing to come once we're past, and there's no real reason or meaning to as why we were even here in the first place. Then maybe it is not me who has been mistaken, maybe it is you. Or maybe both of us are right, and wrong. Or maybe there isn't any rights or wrongs. Maybe there is just nothing. Just the "now". And whatever comes next, will come, either you're doing it with someone or you're doing it on your own. Or maybe it won't come. Maybe all we have are all these "nows", and nothing more. And maybe that's okay. Alone or not.

Do I cheat on life if you cheat on me?

If you are the love of my life, and you cheat on me. What happens with all of our memories? If there is only one person that is right for you, and that person is you, and you cheat on me. What would happen next? And if you then ask to come back to me, what do I do? If I turn my back on you, for betraying me, am I then turning my back on myself as well, and the chance of being with that one person that I am destined to be with? Should I rise above it, because if is all a part of something greater than us, something greater than pride, self respect and dignity?

Or does the fact that you did cheat on me, mean that you weren't that great love of my life after all?

1,000 words

If you only had one thousand words left, what would you say? And who would say it to? If we didn't have such an easy time opening our mouths, if we actually had to think before we spoke. Would that change the way you speak, the amount of words that you use, and maybe even the words you choose?

A couple of years ago, I got to experience what it's like when the words, your way to communicate, was taken away from you. When you have to go days and maybe weeks, without talking. Without any kind of conversations with another human being. All you had all day, was just yourself. There simply was no escaping your own thought, and emotions. When you then start to speak, letting your energy out again, that's when you truly realize how much effort it is, just to shape words, sentences, to let other people we're here. What if words wasn't enough? What if you didn't have enough of them?

Mine is yours

Some people say that we're connected to all living things on earth, and to each other. When you promise your whole being to someone special, you say "what's mine, is now yours". But what if that's bigger than we realize? Maybe there's so much more than we ever thought. Aren't we all connected in so many more ways that we ever could've imagined.

If I have a bad day, you suffer for it. If you go to war, it being in my country or not, in the end, I will be effected by it. All those millions of people having to deal with the consequences of someone else's actions. Is that fair? Is that the meaning of "mine is yours". When you swear yourself to someone else, is that nothing but a threat, and not a declare of true and eternal love. Or is it both? Do we have to have one, to have the other?

Check!

Maybe you're like me, writing lists about everything. Things to do, places to see, friends to call and books to read. Lists, lists everywhere. And somewhere inside, you just know that you're never going to finish them. You're never going to be able to put "check" at the end of each and every line. But maybe that's the beauty of it, of this list writing. It's like dreaming, and it keeps you wanting to go further, always yearning to see what's behind the next corner.

But maybe, just maybe, the real magic is what happens in between those lists, the rows of what to do. The unexpected, unplanned. A random meeting with a stranger, a film you never thought you'd see, or that book that just happened to be on sale that day. That shooting star on your way home after work midweek.

Was J. Lennon right? Is life what happens while you're busy making other plans?

Who do you think you are?

You stroll around the shops. So many beautiful things. That dress would be perfect for a night out with the girls. Those pants would drive your boyfriend crazy with the way they make your ass look. That shirt would be perfect for a lazy day in the sun. And so it continues. You find something that makes you feel like you're in love. The serious kind of love. You take in with you to the fitting room, with hopes of an "happily ever after". This is going to make you look fabulous! You try it on. And you turn to the mirrors to look at this brand new piece of art that you've become, just by wearing this. But when you find yourself staring at yourself in the mirror, all you see is someone far too familiar. So familiar that it's not even interesting. And it makes you wonder why you ever bothered. What were you thinking?

So yes, what do we think? What do we hope for, with all this endless and pointless shopping? Are we confused over what happiness is, and how to get it? Or is it shallower than that? Is it all because we think that we need it, that it is going to change something? Then, what are we hoping for? Or are we just doing it for no reason at all.

The effects of music

There is this American series that I love. One of the characters loves music, and at one point she tries to explain what it is like when you fall in love with a song. When it gives you hope, and something to believe in again. And there are times when I think that's just another American drama series. But that other time I think that she's right. That feeling when you fall in love with a song. You want your ears to completely EXPLODE with the music because it fills your heart with such an intense feeling of something incredible. It takes over, and you give in, and it spreads everywhere, it fills your soul. That hope, that passion, that feeling that makes your eyes tear up and your heart swell. That feeling that you need nothing more to be insanely happy and at peace with it all, with life. And then you play it again. And again. You try to capture that feeling and you want to keep it, keep it forever. And then, before you know it, just like that, the magic is gone. The song goes back to being just a song. Until you find another miracle, another song, that takes you back to those high clouds. 

Can money buy love?

There is this film. It is called "Indecent Proposal". It is not one of those films that you are going to want to watch again, and again. But it is one of those that you will not regret seeing. It does not stir your soul, or shake the ground. It does not make your eyes soak, and it does not make you want to get up and change the world.

Or maybe it does. It is about moral. Money. Can love be bought? The story is about a man and a woman. A husband and a wife. And another man. With money. An endless stream of money. The couple is desperate for these things made of paper and copper. Those things we are made to believe can save us all. This man with the large abundance offers what is to him just a fraction of it. And he offers it to the people that would give anything to have that fraction. For a night. Together with the woman. Would it destroy them, or be the salvation that they so desperate hope for?

Well, can love be bought? With one million US dollar? How much is it worth, your love for another human being? And if you accept the offer, what will it do to your soul, to your lover - and your love? Will it destroy it, or will you find a way around it, a way to forgiveness?

How much is it worth? Can money buy love?

Inspirational without losing

After a tough week I look for inspiration and I turn to my friend google. I type "Inspirational blogs", and I get millions of hits. I choose the first option, where it says "blogs you CAN NOT miss - get inspirational!". Of course, my expectations raise and soon they are off flying high. This page, this blog. It is going to change my world, make my head spin and it is going to take my hand and lead me to the right path.
Soon enough I'm about to realize that there's no inspiration without misery. The most inspirational words comes from those who's suffered a big loss, or those which paths are very bumpy and rough. That's the kind of people who've learned to see the beauty in the small things. They are the ones that can feel true appreciation and only they are truly grateful. So, where does that leave us? Without that big loss, without that dark weight in our hearts? We who think, and think, and think some more, until it takes us somewhere we would rather not be. Somewhere unsure, somewhere dark and lonely and unsafe. What is your excuse for dwelling on the past, or the present, or even the future that is so bright? Who are we to wave the clouds our way, on that clear blue sky? Why is it, that even though our hearts have never been truly broken into a million of pieces, we still feel the need to feel blue from time to time. Is that our only way to get close to that true inspirational place, to find those words that blows the clouds away and brings out that blue sky? Is it OK to feel sad, even though you don't have a reason to?

Om allt du hade var idag.

I started to think about time, and how it keeps moving and draining and flowing forever forward, seconds into minutes into days into years, all of it leading to the same place, a current running forever in one direction. And we're all going and swimming as fast as we ca, helping it along.

My point is: maybe you can afford to wait. Maybe for you there's a tomorrow. Maybe for you there's one thousand tomorrows, or three thousand, or ten, so much time you can bathe in it, roll around in it, let it slide like coins through your fingers. So much time you can waste it. But for some of us there's only today. And the truth is, you never really know.

Before I fall - Lauren Oliver. En flicka dor i en bilolycka, en helt vanlig dag pa vag hem efter en fest. Hon sitter i bilen med sina basta vanner och de skrattar och lever. Plotsligt ar det over. Hon dor. Boken handlar om just den har dagen. Hur hon tvingas ateruppleva den, om och om och om igen. What if you only had one day to live... Hur skulle du leva den?

Krut i gubben

Gustav Hakansson hette en man som vagrade bli gammal. Han foddes 1885 i Helsingborg och jag antar att man skulle kunna dra slutsatsen att han gillade att rora pa kroppen. Nar Gustav var 66 ar ville han delta i Sverigeloppet, som gick fran Haparanda till Ystad. Aldersgransen var 40, men det brydde han sig inte om. Att inte officiellt fa vara med pga alder verkade inte vara nagot han brydde sig om. Han sydde pa en hemmagjord nummerlapp med siffran "noll" och cyklade sedan hela strackan vid sidan av loppet - och kom i mal 24 timmar snabbare an den officiella vinnaren.

Ar det inte helt otroligt hur vissa manniskor bara har bestamt sig? Nar det inte finns nagot som kan komma emellan dem och deras drom? Hur man faktiskt ibland kan flytta pa berg med ren vilja, och hur allt ar mojligt om man bara har vilja och motivation? Antar att det ocksa behovs aningen drivkraft for att cykla 2500 km i ovre aldern. IMPONERANDE! Sin sista "cykeltur" gjorde han efter att han natt over 100arsstrecket.

Namnde jag att supermannen aven CYKLADE fran Sverige till Israel...?

Kalla: http://sv.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gustaf_H%C3%A5kansson

Time is a healer.

Vi ar styrda av nagot vi valt att kalla tid. Alla far en viss mangd tid i det har livet. Den har tiden vill vi fylla. Fylld av meningsfyllda, viktiga saker. Saker som ska fa tiden att kannas viktig. Som far dig att kanna dig viktig, betydelsefull. Plotsligt har du fyllt tiden, all din tid ar fylld. Och du kampar for att hinna med. Kampar for att hinna forst, hinna fore tiden. Du befinner dig nu i ett hjul. Och sa fort du har borjat snurra hjulet aningen, ar det omojligt att fa det att ga langsamt, i en behaglig takt. Sa fort det borjar snurra, snurrar det snabbare och snabbare. Och snabbare. Tills det gar for fort och du inte hinner med. Enda vagen ut ar att hoppa av, eller springa benen av dig. Spring benen av dig och du far saker gjorda, det gar undan. Men du hinner inte njuta av allt du hinner gora. Hoppa av. Nu! I farten. Du slar dig kanske hart i backen. Men du tar dig upp och du ser allt omkring dig annorlunda, du borjar njuta av sma saker. En doft i traden. Rena sangklader. En mysig kram. Du njuter av att njuta.

Jag hoppade av. Och jag njuter. Av att njuta.

It's not about what you got.

It's about what you make of what you've got.

Lika/r?

Hur lika, eller olika, ska man vara for att fa ett forhallande att fungera bast? Ar det en forutsattning att ha samma grundvarderingar, samma bakgrund och samma framtidsplaner for att kunna skapa nagot hallbart? Om detaljerna runt de stora fragorna spelar mindre roll, underlattar det? Eller letar vi efter nagon som kan utmana oss i varje fraga vi nagonsin stallt oss? Nagon som varje gang vi tar oss for nagot, undrar om vi aldrig tankt pa att gora det pa ett helt annorlunda satt? Om din uppfostran sager en sak, och ditt forhallande nagot annat, ar det lika med katastrof? Eller star det for utveckling?

Hur kommer det sig, att nar det kommer till forhallanden, sa finns det bara tusen fragor, men inga ordentliga svar...

Efterlangtat regn med chokladsmak.

Det ar for oss som solen gar upp, sager ju Ted. Jag haller med. Solen gar upp varje dag, och aldrig vet vi vad som kommer handa innan den gar ner. Det enda vi faktiskt vet ar just det, att den gar upp och att den gar ner. Ar det inte skont att kanna tryggheten i det? Oavsett vad som hander, om du haft en dalig dag eller en bra dag, sa kommer morgondagen och det finns ingenting du kan gora at det.

Sitter framfor datorn i huset vi bor i, jag och min engelska pojkvan. Utanfor regnar det, for forsta gangen pa flera mander. Perth ar den stad med flest soltimmar i hela Australien. Hade du fragat mig for ett ar sen, hade jag val aldrig trott att jag skulle bli trott pa solsken och klarbla himmel. Det ar pask. I koket bakas det choklad-kakor, och kvallen blir inte mycket mer an sa har. Men det ar bra, det kanns skont. Gungar sa tryggt in mot hamn, som jag i din famn. Ted har ratt. Sa lange vi alskar.

December?!

Idag ar det 6 december. Jag akte hemifran for 11.5 manader sen. Tiden gar fort nar man har roligt?! Det ar december. Vad har du gjort idag? Kanske skottat sno, druckit varm choklad pa ett fik, kopt en julgran?

Jag vaknade klockan 7 for att det var sa otroligt varmt. Tog pa mig loparskorna och sprang en vanda. Kakade frukost och smetade pa mig solskyddskram. Tog med en Cosmo-tidning och vandrade ner till stranden dar jag spenderade storre delen av dagen. Val tillbaka pa mitt rum tog jag en tupplur och vips var det dags for middag, med ett glas vin till. Nu ska jag snart lagga huvudet pa kudden och lasa romantiskt tantsnusk av Nicholas Sparks. Imorgon ar ytterligare en dag!

(namnde jag att det var 26 grader i havet (!!) idag...)

En vanlig dag pa kontoret.

Jag traffade en tjej fran Kanada och vi bestamde oss for att resa tillsammans ett tag. Vi hamnade pa guldkusten (Coolangatta) och hade en tokbra helg dar. Sondagen kandes lite seg nar vi vaknade upp efter att ha druckit vin hela natten, sa vi tog en tur till stan och gick pa jakt efter bakismat. Vi gick till ett kebabstalle och fragade om de visste nagon bra pizzeria i narheten, da killen i koket helt potsligt erbjuder sig att gora en pizza at oss (pizza var inte ens pa menyn pa detta grekiska stalle). Han gor tva supergoda pizzor med fetaost och sager öm ni tycker om dem, kan ni betala 35 kronor var. Om ni inte gillar dem, sa behover ni inte betala". Okej! 35 kronor fattigare vandrade vi ner mot stranden bara for att hamna mitt i en festival med lifemusik och en hel strand full med manniskor som flog med sina drakar i alla olika former och storlekar.
Inte en helt illa pinkad dag som avslutades med kortspel och film med en pase popcorn.

Korsang

Jag ar i Port Macquarie for tillfallet, bor hos en cool tjej tillsammans med en tjej fran Tyskland. Vi forsokte ta reda pa vad man kan gora haromkring och sag en annons for Sing Australia. Sa imorse kl 10 traskade jag ivag till den lokala teatern och dar mottes jag av glada tillrop "en backpacker!". 2 timmar korsang med fikapaus avslutades med rekommendation om hostel norrover och alla damerna (den yngsta var 60) sjong australiens nationalsang innan vi slutade. Jag blev rord till tarar! Manniskor ar val for harliga (Tupp-citat).

Fredagsnojen

Det var en fredag kvall i Devonport. Inte mycket hander i den lilla stan. Jag satt tillsammans med min 'farmfamilj' i koket. Vi var fem stycken, och i handen holl vi en varsin nyklackt liten kyckling, inte ens en dag gammal. Tavlade om vem som kunde fa sin kyckling att somna fortast. Ibland finns det stora i det lilla.

Foralskelse

Jag minns val nar jag forsta gangen blev foralskad i Goteborg. Nar det blev pa riktigt 'jag och Gotet'. Det var precis nar universiteten drar igang for host-terminen och jag satt pa en fullsmockad buss fran Hisingen in till stan. 3 studenter fran Chalmers gar pa bussen och annonserar hogljudt att det ar dags for bingo! Alla far en varsin nummerlapp och de borjar dra vinst-lotterna. Jag vann en choklad-bar och min lycka var total!

Forsta gangen det hande i min otrohetsaffar med Melbourne, var nar jag satt tillsammans med en mycket god van och njot av solnedgangen pa Federation Square i city. Livet kandes sadar perfekt och fullandat som det ibland kan gora.

Idag blev jag foralskad igen. Jag satt pa taget in mot stan och mittemot mig sitter en kille i 20arsaldern med en gitarr. Han plinkar pa bra latar i sin egen lilla varld. Manniskor runt omkring tittar nyfiket, tar ur ipoden fran oronen och lagger ifran sig telefonerna. For att bara njuta. Solen skiner och jag har precis avnjutit en mjukglass, jackan ligger nerpackad i vaskan och livet ar sadar FORBANNAT SVINBRA igen.

Imorgon - nya aventyr. Tills dess - njut!

Talformaga?

Min forsta kvall i White Hills var ju lite nervos. Jag hade aldrig traffat de har manniskorna forut och visste inte riktigt vad jag kunde forvanta mig, och vad de hade forvantat sig av mig. Ni vet hur det ar nar man traffar nya manniskor, lite nervkittlande ar det ju alltid. Det borjade valdigt bra, vardparet var valdigt trevliga och gastvanliga. Men det ar ju inte utan att det ibland kan bli lite stelt i ovana situationer. Och det ar inte varje dag jag tranger mig pa hos framlingar for att bo hos dem i 2 veckor.

I alla fall, vi satte oss ner vid matbordet for middag och jag forsokte visa mitt intresse, fragade dem om farmen, deras rutiner och sa vidare. Utsikten var helt magisk i eftermiddagssolen och jag blev lite nyfiken pa vilka djur de hade som strosade runt i tradgarden. Sa jag fragade, helt enkelt. Och de svarade att de hade lite allt mojligt, och gav nagra exempel. Varpa jag klacker "Jaa, om jag var ett djur skulle ju jag ocksa vilja halla till har"
Ett nervost skratt foljde sedan, och jag kan inte lata bli att undra vad tusan de maste ha tankt. Vem ar denna tokiga svensk?